Just the facts:
Born in New York City
Jewish and Puerto Rican
Divorced and remarried, just like you…
Heterosexual, probably unlike you
Daughter, Dr. Jenya Kaufman – Columbia University Graduate, Stanford Medical School Graduate, Practicing Shrink, San Francisco, Califailure
Son, Derek – Graduated from Harvard and Yale, Practicing Attorney, Los Angeles, Califailure (Sorry, I tried my best to raise him right)
New York State of Mind:
- Undergraduate: CUNY & SUNY
- Postgraduate: Hunter & New School
- The Graduate: Dustin Hoffman
New York State of Mindless:
- Formal Acting – Training at Berghof Studio under the study of Uta Hagen & Joseph Omato
- Formal Dance – Training at the Rockette Dance Academy under the direction of someone with a cigar, wearing a plaid jacket
Off Broadway / On Broadway … off and on…
- NYC Radio program for NYC teens – until they knifed me…
The Employment Line:
- Diagnostics; Teaching Autistic Children
- Diagnostics; Counseling Partial Hospitalization Adult Schizophrenics
- Teacher of Emotionally Disabled.
- Director of Pre-School through Second Grade
- Entrepreneur; 3 Businesses
- Radio Show Host; past 20 years (Talk, Music, Talk Again)
- Teacher of Learning Disabled Program Directors.
Having wandered from her own natural parents in search of soy milk, Joyce would be raised by wolves who had secured safe shelter and settled in on 44th Street, in New York City. Carrying Joyce in their mouths, the proud adoptee parents brought the young child to the city’s various cultural centres, located a couple of blocks over. It was here that Joyce would first learn to read – if only in flashing neon and scrolling marquee – as well as acquiring a keen gender identification savvy she would use often, later in life – though not too much later…
One day, a snooty and anal-retentive pair from DCF showed up at her wolf parent’s den. At first, the young Joyce would welcome them because they were from Big Government that common people were paying for. But they soon insisted that her wolf upbringing was inappropriate, and that Joyce would have to attend a proper Public School, courtesy of the New York City PS system. So, Joyce dutifully bit their little civil service heads off at the neck, just like her parents had shown her.
But later that evening, her wolf parents agreed that Joyce might benefit by being enrolled in the city’s PS system. And with this decision rendered, they resumed eating the raw and bloody flesh of the forever-tenured HRS agents – even knowing they’d now have to give up their private school tax vouchers.
Nevertheless, Joyce’s parents would continue with her after school education that emphasized cultural events, inclusive of The Beatles at Shea Stadium, where the presence of her wolf family prompted uncontrollable and horrified screams from those in attendance – erroneously credited to the appearance of The Beatles as another example of pop history being reported in error. Screams, so intense, Joyce would not encounter such an ear-shattering experience for some time to come. And having then dismissed the group, Joyce would lay back with a newfound awareness that not only enhanced her reason to live, but may well have provided the meaning of life, itself.
But even with this new, heightened sense of awareness, Joyce would not neglect her social consciousness. It would be with the highest degree of righteousness that Joyce would attend a rally at the nation’s capitol, protesting the war in Vietnam. It was here that Joyce would be arrested as a communist radical, attempting to overthrow the government with her Free Speech rights. And as the police grabbed her by the arms and legs, Joyce would scream out, “You can’t arrest me! I’m from New York…”. But the uniformed officers only laughed at her while tormenting Joyce with the promise of jail and an arrest record. It was then that Joyce shot back, “You can’t confine and process me… I’m Jewish! I’ll bitch, moan, and whine at you until you go insane!” And with that, the District Police uncuffed her and sent Joyce on her way…
The following summer, still in her teens, Joyce would trek to the Woodstock music concert in upstate New York. Encountering a ticket collector at the gates, Joyce would be stopped for her admission pass – of which she didn’t possess. But realizing that the Woodstock staff worker was strung out on LSD, Joyce took advantage of the tripped-out collector by convincing him that Woodstock was now being sponsored by Big Government, and therefore, admission to the concert was now to be regarded as an “entitlement”. It worked, and following her lead, some 350,000 more people filed in to the concert grounds right behind Joyce, courtesy of her cunning manipulation.
During the breaks between the acts, Joyce took it upon herself to keep the assembled masses entertained by performing an impromptu minstrel show using only the ingredients of nature as her makeup and props. It would be this resourcefulness that came to inspire the now famous mud baths as young concertgoers enthusiastically covered themselves in the muck in a whimsical and carefree attempt to emulate Al Jolson.
The following year, Joyce would pursue a professional acting career, as all New York City women do – at least those who don’t become outright prostitutes in the clinical sense. It would be during this era that Joyce would face one of her most challenging roles, playing the part of Helga, a simple Austrian peasant girl whose father had invented the automated breast pump to replace the suckling infants recruited for the Nazi war effort towards the end of World War II.
But her family had grown weary of Joyce’s “soul searching” and Wolf Mother would finally put her paw down… Joyce would now have to pursue a higher education in institutions of higher learning, where the instructors were higher, still. Yes, a proper New York education where even the Department Heads of the English Department would still pronounce their homeland as “Noo Yawk”…
During her first summer break, Joyce would trek to New Deli on 7th Avenue where she became immersed in the Eastern teachings of a Maharishi , along side of Marianne Faithfull, Donovan, and Mia Farrow. It would be in this atmosphere of new learning and self-awareness that Joyce would convince Ms. Farrow to leave Andre Previn and his ridiculous haircut, in favor of some nice Jewish boy with a good job in the film industry. And it would be during this era that Joyce would meet who was to become her own husband…
The times, they were a changing… Years passed, as Joyce’s life would take on a surprisingly alien black and white, Donna Reed kinescope motif… Two children, 314 PTA meetings, 2 station wagons, 11,517 chocolate chip cookies, 37 magazine subscriptions, 1 artist palette coffee table, 116 doctor appointments, 4 kitchen cork boards for inter-family memos, 17,734 supermarket coupons, 21 aprons, 3 foreign cars, and 1 American divorce…
Newly single, Joyce would spend some of her time looking for Mr. Goodbar, but came to discover that much of their chocolate had melted and gone limp. Little satisfaction that simply left a gooey mess behind. So Joyce immersed herself in her role of the modern working woman. And it was during this period that she cornered a local program director at a neighborhood restaurant, and bitched at him until he offered her a job at his little bitch and moan radio station.
21 years later Joyce has come full turn politically and decided that relationships are much more trouble than they are worth. She is grateful that she knows a Savior now and doesn’t have to save the world…just sound the alarm and entertain some brilliant listeners weekdays, 10am – 1pm on www.850wftl.com.